Well. The MRI I had in January was poor quality, as was the reading of it. The doctors and radiologists identified some bone swelling in one of my long foot bones, which might have been produced by a minor fracture. They did not, however, identify the ligament tears in the ball of my foot, nor the bit of arthritis in my big toe. I wonder how much worse I’ve made everything by following their blind physical therapy recommendations, because if something is torn, it needs to be mostly mended back together before you can use it, right? Maybe I wouldn’t need a joint fusion, or surgery at all, if they’d diagnosed me properly. Nevertheless, I’m not trying to be bitter. I’m tired of being tired, angry, and depressed about it. Although, bitterness is a fitting, natural response. Maybe some nice rage poems will come of this.
Soon I will have another, better quality MRI taken, to pinpoint what ligaments are upset, and where. Then, frighteningly, I’m going to have surgery to have my big toe joint fused, and presumably have the ligaments fixed. It’s frightening because after my car accident, I woke up while two doctors were stitching up my face. I don’t understand why my concussion couldn’t have just stayed active until they were done. Then a year later, I woke up during the surgery on my car accident scars.
I don’t know how ligaments are fixed, but I’m guessing it includes stitching them back to where they belong. A joint fusion, according to the American Orthopaedic Foot & Ankle Society, means clearing away the remaining cartilage and applying hardware to allow the bones to heal together. I won’t be able to bend or flex that joint anymore, but it should disappear the pain. From accounts I’ve read from other fused joint recipients, I should still be able to figure out how to run again, and/or the surgeon might be able to adjust the anatomy to help allow for it. There are accounts of surgery making CRPS worse, but I’ll take the risk if it means I can walk again.
Dr Silverman came to the fusion conclusion after he gave me a steroid injection into my first toe joint and it created a bit of almost instantaneous pain relief. Unfortunately, four hours later it caused a flare that was so painful my entire body trembled. However! I still have opiates left, and they were so helpful in making me care nary a whit about the pain. In fact, last night I got the best sleep I’ve had in a long time, thanks to generic Vicodin. Next week at my pain clinic I’ll see if I can just get some better opiates, instead of more insanity inducing nerve killers.
Imagine what I could do if I can make it to the other side of this without a lot of excess bitterness. I really have no clue because it’s been impossible to work on my self esteem and any life goals, but the real prospect of even partial physical healing makes me ache for emotional healing. I can balance delayed and instant gratification, but this kind of delay is some bullshit. I don’t want to get too excited just to be let down (again) so I’m trying to keep my expectations low, but some pure, unrelenting relief is due here.
Universe, I implore thee: let me heal.
A Vague & Menacing Agency 
Whatcha say?