Super Verbose

I feel almost returned to “normal.” I fell asleep before two last night, I think. This morning I cared enough about myself to get up, make lunch, and eat it. I’m over my short-lived picture taking apathy (again), although I’m growing really frustrated with only having one lens. It’s a prime lens, which means it doesn’t zoom. I bought some magnifying lens filters, but they don’t cut it. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, I need a zoom lens.

“Couldn’t I have a li’l bit o’ compassion, for just a while?” she asked the universe.

I’m getting frustrated with my entire situation. I feel like my life is a prime lens. I have Things I Want To Do, like start a feminist magazine, actually take and finish these free online classes, possibly Go Back To School, make some art and sell it, and so on and so forth. But generally I feel like I don’t have anything to say, or I’m too exhausted to care, or I’m too pain-confused to get it together. Or maybe I’m afraid that nobody will listen, or I’ll forever remain too poor to have the resources to Do Something.

I read these over and they all sound like sorry rationalisations, but on the other hand good supplies are expensive. Chronic pain steals my intelligence, even when I’m detoxed off medications. Having ready access to reliable wifi makes a big difference regarding projects that I might complete on the internet.

Rethinking whether I have nothing to say: fuck that. Some people may think not, that I’m too liberal because garbled subtext in regards to being unable to have real empathy for people who aren’t white (males) I’m always willing to get into it about social justice related things. I don’t know how because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing right now – I mean, I lose my balance kind of a lot just trying to remain standing – but I’m gonna start this damn magazine. Why else would I be a damn-hippie-artist and have a degree in economics? I’m choosing to ignore the Random Coincidence and My Own Indecisiveness theories.

I read an article yesterday about Dave Chappelle returning to the land of creating. There was a quote in it from Dave that struck me hard: “The biggest enemy of an artist is apathy.” He was talking about using his position and his comedy for activism, but – this is some cheeseball, y’all – I kind of felt chastised for letting my own creativity and activism slide into apathy. I was already trying to be anti-apathy, and when I read that, a switch flipped and now I have my very own optimism cliché. 

Now, I need to eat dinner, be on a photo walk, and figure out how to be Super Verbose. Maybe I can google that.