There are seated cardio videos on YouTube, which I have saved for weeks now. The first time I watched one I cried, for two reasons: one, somebody recognised the need; two, that I fit the demographic. The latter is why it’s been weeks before I’m even mentioning it. Denial is a great friend and a worse enemy.
But today Humans of New York posted a photo with this caption:
I have Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum. Most people have nerve bundles that connect the two hemispheres of the brain. I don’t have those. But I don’t like to talk about it. Because when people know there is something wrong with your brain, they think you’re retarded. I had a hard time growing up. I’ve been labeled all my life. I’ve always been told that I’m learning disabled and I can’t do this and I’m not good enough to do that. And it’s hard to hear that stuff all the time without viewing yourself as a permanent victim and learning to be helpless. I’m not a victim. I have a part-time job, nice friends, and my own apartment. All I need now is a full time job and a PlayStation 4.
It’s hard to hear that stuff all the time without viewing yourself as a permanent victim and learning to be helpless.
I don’t want to feel helpless anymore.
A bit of background – I was sexually abused from ages 6 to 9, by a neighbour boy. I was bullied in school. I grew up in an abusive and emotionally neglectful household, and I married (and divorced!) an abusive man.
It’s hard for me to hide or lie about my feelings. If I feel like I’m getting shit on, I’m gonna say something. Quite a lot of the people in my life who have deserved such a speech have turned it back on me, as if I’m the only one with problems. In probably all of these situations I did begin to question myself and whether or not my feelings were valid. There’s one ongoing relationship like this I have, and I’m trying to have boundaries. Really I am.
In further efforts to not feel helpless, I’m going to Do Some Things.
- Read my books about mindfulness
- Do seated cardio at least four days a week
- Start meditating
- Keep up my Photo 365
- Try my damnedest not to blurt out childishness when one of These People in my life is treating me like trash. They will never be happy with anything I do.
That’s enough goals for now. I think mindfulness and meditation will help a lot with my self esteem issues around my processing problems and forgetfulness. I hope it’ll help with feeling useless because of Blanche.
It’s 0300. Hello again artificial sleepiness!
A Vague & Menacing Agency 
Whatcha say?