Today was physical therapy. The exercises made me cry. My PT is a good dude so that helps, but goddamn I need some hardcore cuddling. I have to elevate my foot, or else it swells, turns purple, and hurts like a motherfucker. But, my turf toe likes to pull all of my toes up because keeping them in proper position hurts so bad, so elevating it makes it harder to do that. I’m going to get a brace, with the money I don’t have.
Then there’s a cyst in my spinal cord, aka syrinx, that might be saying hello. Maybe it’s making friends with the CRPS! Wouldn’t that be fun. Doctors found it 18 years ago, after a car wreck. Basically the only thing they said about it was if I had numbness in my hands, to see a neurologist. I don’t have numbness or weakness associated with the syrinx getting worse, but out of the 19 symptoms that a cranial deformity causes, I have 12. It also can cause the syrinx, and TMJ syndrome, which I have as well. Or maybe inserting my head through a windshield helped everything along. Wheeeeeee!
Maybe I do have the loss of sensation, I don’t know. I don’t have to try very hard to make my arms/hands fall asleep. One of the websites I read said the loss of strength and sensation can take years to notice and or diagnose. Whatever, it’s all really fucking frightening.
I hate being sick and hurt. I hate needing help. I hate that people will act tired and put out, like I’m a jerk if/when I ask. But that’s their problem, right? With everything I’ve been through it’s amazing I can still function, that I still want to function. I guess staying on the Don’t Care What Anybody Thinks About You train takes continuous work.
A Vague & Menacing Agency 
Whatcha say?