Impulses

I have tried five different painkillers in my attempts to get relief from my foot. They did allow some, but mostly to knock the pain back from the vicinity of “I think I see Jesus,” to “My pain is not fucking around.” I quit taking them because it just made me more frustrated to take pills, still be in pain, and experience the side effects.

I’ve been off of all “painkillers” for several days, and now the pain’s back up to “I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help.” At this moment it feels like somebody is simultaneously sticking a large hatpin through the center of the tip of my big toe, and trying to rip the entire toe off.

Other times it feels like somebody is simultaneously trying to crush and stab my metatarsophalangeal joints, which is where the toes meet the foot. I cannot put any pressure on the ball of my foot, or else lightning pain shoots up to the top of my head.

There is a lot to be said for keeping myself occupied, meditation, aromatherapy, taking baths, etc. in an effort to redirect my brain from the pain. At some point, though, the effectiveness of those actions drops to zero.

my foot and I, still
yet perpetual movement
antagonises